Hi Daddy,

A few days ago I was feeling very sad because I thought I might forget the sound of your voice. Then I remembered I recorded you. I made a new page on your blog, mainly because I just can't handle looking at the old posts right now. I got a new dog. Her name is Lewisculpepper, and you would love her sooooo much. I can hear the way you'd sound in my head if you met her.

I wanted to let you know about something I'm doing. I'm doing it for you and me. I'm donating a kidney to a friend's dying parent.

Part of me knows that you would care for this not at all--that you'd rather somehow know that I still remember you. We only children can be a bit egocentric sometimes.

I want you to know why I'm doing it.

When you were dying, there was nothing I could give you to keep you alive. I would have given both my lungs and died. I'm serious. This world is like an ugly daughter: you have to keep looking to find the beauty; trust me--I'm ready to go whenever it's my time.

Anyway, I am proving this to you, in a way, by giving an organ to someone else's parent. I would hope that, if you had renal failure instead of lung cancer, and if I couldn't donate, that someone in this world would have done the same for you. If I can't have back my own daddy, maybe someone else can keep his/hers.

I envy you. It would be so nice not to be. In this world, something's existence entails the privation of it. As such, where there is love--in all its euphoria and splendor--there is the dark mire of abject misery when it leaves. There is good, so there is evil. There is kindheartedness, and there is is coldness. All the miserable emotions and strife, and all the feelings of elation and accomplishment, are tied to this body, this world, and this existence. Those good feelings are wonderful, but I'd trade everything just to pause existence for awhile. You know I'm not suicidal--far from it. I will get what's to be gotten out of my experiences in this world. But I don't see death as a bad or lonely place, either.

Anyway, another reason I'm doing it is to keep my faith in humanity. I can't be the only human being out there who would donate something I don't really need to save someone else's life. That makes me feel better. While living in the world, I want to make it better. Not on a grand scale, but one little thing at a time.

One day we'll be a part of the same ousia once again, you and me. In that way, we'll be together. Until then, I will make myself bear the sadness that attacks me when I think of you. I will do this so I don't ever forget you. I love you daddy.

P.S. JoeJoe died, too. I hope, if you are cognizant, that you two have met and spoken.