If There's a God, Televangelists Are Going to Hell

(this is actually from around 1am)

Holy shit now he’s watching church. No pun intended with the holy part. Make no mistake, this isn't Charles Stanley or Joel Osteen. This is more like Jim and Tammy Faye Baker, add snakecharming. Also, this guy's probably not as successful as the Bakers and Tammy Faye's rivers of mascara. This guy has chrome toilets, not gold-plated. However, somewhere out there right now, some sad-hearted, lonely person just picked up the phone, trying to buy a sense of fulfillment with her social security check--trying to buy hope with her Charles Schwab account. Somehow this asshole has managed to convince himself that he's working for the greater good. That is why I am terrified of rationalization--couldn't it happen to any of us??

This one's worse than most. It’s one of those “I’m healed” shows. There’s an old lady on there saying just that: "I'm HEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAALED." Praise Jesus. Yes, I've got a bad feeling about how this will turn out. "HELLO CALLER! What can Jayeezus (love it when they pronounce it like that) do for you today?" Then there’s a guy who’s been “unemployed for a year and a half” and has “die-bee-tees.” Preacher interrupts him at first: "What's your first name, sinner?" "Steve."
 “Steve, check your voicemail at 9am and you’ll have a job.”
Thank god these callers are actors, because giving real people false hope like this is one of the worst crimes against humanity I can think of right now (of course, now that I say that, I think of a million more. you get my point).

I can’t believe they give terminal cancer patients access to this channel. Fuck! Now there’s a lady with terminal lung cancer on there crying. If he picks up the phone to call this number, there may be a snotty alice cooper in my future. The televangelist is telling this lady that, despite being eaten alive with cancer, Jesus will heal her. I'm not trying to say that Jesus doesn't heal people. I am making no statement whatsoever on that subject. What I am saying is that this particular show is almost undoubtedly a set-up. Yes, I said almost undoubtedly. To understand my use of "almost," please think about the fact that birth-control pills are 99.9999999999 (or whatever)% accurate. In reality, if you take them, they work. Here, the "almost" is like that teeny-tiny-non-existent-in-the-practical-world chance that you'll get pregnant even if you never miss a pill.

Practically speaking, this guy is a SHAM. That's why he comes on at 1am. If you could call into a show and be healed, CNN primetime would be all over it and doctors would be out of work. When dad asks for the phone, I tell him that the show isn't live, and at the bottom corner it says it's prerecorded. No one will be there to answer. Crisis narrowly averted by a surprisingly-quick and on-point falsehood. I know that was the right thing to do, but it makes my conscience hurt to tell lies, even like that. These times are not making me feel good about myself. I guess they aren't supposed to.

I'm racking my brain to figure out how anyone could ever fall for this kind of bullshit.

Dad:"Will I be alive tomorrow?" [My heart breaks a little bit more].

Then it hits me like an anvil in a cartoon. When you're so lost, so lonely, so sad, so desperate--you try to come to terms with what happened or what's happening. But this coming-to-terms is the final stage. First, you try everything you can to change it. Everything. At first, you know exactly what to try, and the task list makes sense. But increasingly, your need for hope drives you to grasp at straws. It's the paradigm slippery-slope, just like the rationalization process responsible for this televangelist's ability to sleep at night in the bed he paid for by ripping off granny.

• Example: Doctor tells you that you have cancer. First you get chemo, and if that doesn't work, then radiation. In the meanwhile, you read up on cancer and find out that certain diets, pills, natural herbs, etc. have helped/cured this type of cancer in the past.

• Resulting task list/thought process: Okay, so I'm on chemo. Next I have radiation. Meanwhile, I'm eating only raw vegetables and drinking plenty of fluids. If that doesn't work, I have those pills.

You can see where I'm going with this. Once none of the above works, you start seeing natural healers, perhaps even travelling to Canada to visit the guy who cures cancer with cannabis. Next thing you know, you're picking up the phone and calling this televangelist asshole's minions waiting patiently by the phones. That's how it happens.
If anyone's going to hell, it's this guy. I hope to god I die of like a heart attack or something quick, and don't have to experience the inner torture and conflict that undoubtedly accompanies grasping at straws.