Ok, So Now He Remembers He's Dying

Dad: I think I’m dying
Me: What?
Dad: I think I’m dying can’t you hear?
Me: What’s wrong?
Dad: I’m dying.
Me: But not right now.
Dad: Yeah, right now.

Seriously? He’s been sleeping all day. He woke up and dropped that bomb on me. He just scared the crap out of me, and then nodded back out. He looks so scared, so I want to convince him he's not dying. I can't watch him be scared like that.

Me:How are you daddy?

Dad:Dying
Me:But we’re all dying
Dad:Yeah
Me: Does it make you sad to think you’re dying?
Dad: No.

It's funny because now he tries to stay awake all the time when I'm here. He also gets mad when I leave the room for any reason. He always tries to call me with the bedside clicker connected to the nurse's station. I went outside for a little while earlier. When I came back, he pressed the button. The nurse comes in, asking what he wants.

Dad: "You already did it."

Nurse:"Did what?"

Dad:"I was trying to call my daughter"

Me:"But dad I'm right here"

Dad: "That's what I just told her."

The nurse leaves, giving me a sad look.

Me:"So how are you daddy?"

Dad:"In love with my daughter"

Me:"I love you too daddy"

Dad:"It's very important. They were waiting on you while you were gone. They were waiting for you so you could watch me die."

It's becoming clear to me that the one thing he wants in the world is for me to be here when he passes. I've always been here for him in this life. He's always been able to count on me to make sure things go right for him. It's the same type of thing now; he's afraid to go on without me holding his hand, telling him it's okay, and telling him what he needs to do next.

I am so scared that I somehow won't be here. God. What a terrifying thought.